Humorous quotes from "famous" people

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself : "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." 
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." 
-- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 
-- Mark Twain 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
-- George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. 
-- Victor Borge 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 
-- Mark Twain 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
-- Socrates 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
-- Groucho Marx 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
-- Alex Levine 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
-- Bob Hope 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 
-- W.C. Fields 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had t o work its way through Congress. 
-- Will Rogers 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. 
-- Winston Churchill 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
-- Phyllis Diller 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
-- B illy Crystal 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. 

 

"Laughter is an instant vacation!" 

-- Milton Berle

 

"The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." 

-- Mark Twain

 

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." 

-- Bob Hope

 

"If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself." 

-- Charles Schulz

 

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." 

-- Victor Borge


"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it." 

-- Erma Bombeck